Betrayal in Relationships - Is Forgiveness Possible? Dr. Bruce Chalmer

“Betrayal in Relationships – Is Forgiveness Possible?” – with Dr. Bruce Chalmer

Dr. Bruce Chalmer is a Licensed Psychologist in Vermont who has been working with couples for over 30 years. In this podcast, he offers his insights about the topic of betrayal in relationships. Dr. Chalmer explains what betrayal is, why people betray each other, and how to rebuild trust after a betrayal has occurred. Through his teaching, consulting, and books, his ideas have helped thousands of couples and their therapists. Together with his wife Judy Alexander, Dr. Chalmer hosts the podcast “Couples Therapy in Seven Words.”

Dr. Chalmer’s book entitled “Betrayal and Forgiveness: How to Navigate the Turmoil and Learn to Trust Again,” helps us to understand why betrayal happens in relationships, and how to rebuild trust so that the wounds of betrayal can be healed.

Show Notes:

A substantial number of couples come to Bruce because major relationship betrayals have occurred

Therapy is not a cookie cutter approach to healing relationships

Dr. Bruce defines betrayal as:

1. Something big

2. The expectations you have in a certain relationship (i.e., spouses, family, co-workers)

3. Lies happen

4. Mistrust results

Dr. Bruce’s Structure for Couples Therapy

1. First session: Understand why a couple wants to be together, and 2 sets of needs that need to be met

a. Stability (Knowing how to keep the relationship stable, not pushing buttons)

b. Intimacy (Being open and honest with the ability to tolerate anxiety rather than avoid it)

2. Lightbulbs will go off in the couple’s minds and they will see where intimacy and stability are compromised

3. Treatment goals are made, part of which is to increase both stability and intimacy

4. How will you know therapy is helping?

Why do people betray each other? If intimacy is compromised, then people are more likely to betray each other

The “Oh Shit” moment is when a person realizes that they have contributed to problems in the relationship

Financial Betrayal examples: “I trusted you with something, and this trust that I gave you was not honored.”

(Social Expectations, and types of Family betrayals)

What do we do if we are the Betrayed or the Betrayer? Forgiveness

1. Forgive yourself

2. Forgive the betrayer

3. Forgive God (or, understand that betrayals do indeed happen)

If you’re in a situation where you are still being hurt, it may not be safe for you to stay in the relationship

If it’s a case of infidelity, they both need to restore / rebuild trust

If a betrayal happens, the relationship as you knew it is not the same…and you can build a new and sometimes better relationship

Website: https://brucechalmer.com

Books:

Dr. Chalmer’s book “Betrayal and Forgiveness” https://brucechalmer.com/betrayal-and-forgiveness/

Dr. Chalmer’s book “It’s not about Communication – Why Everything you know about Couples Therapy is Wrong” https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-About-Communication-Everything/dp/1667871935

Podcast:

Dr. Chalmer’s Podcast with his wife Judy Alexander called “Couples Therapy in Seven Words” https://couplestherapyinsevenwords.com/

The seven words are: Be Kind, Don’t Panic, And Have Faith

Social Media:

YouTube: @brucechalmer

#mentalhealth #betrayal #forgiveness